Sydney didn’t plan on becoming an international drug lord — it just sort of happened after a mix-up at a bake sale. One minute she was selling brownies for charity, the next she was running an underground empire that stretched from Tijuana to Toledo. Her operation was known for impeccable logistics, ruthless efficiency, and oddly enough, excellent branding.

At the height of her power, Sydney controlled three continents, six offshore accounts, and the world’s only luxury submarine with a smoothie bar. But as her empire grew, so did her conscience. After a particularly tense standoff with a rival syndicate at a pottery class, she decided she wanted more out of life — like peace, purpose, and matching throw pillows.

She vanished for a year, resurfacing with a new identity, a faint scent of sunscreen, and a suspicious number of exotic houseplants. These days, Sydney spends her time writing anonymous Yelp reviews, befriending neighborhood raccoons, and pretending she doesn’t still have a private island somewhere “for emergencies.”